If I Came to You

by Annie Kolle

 

If I came to you, we would live in the cabin behind the doctor who only drinks with women, and our address would end with a half number.

 

It’s snowy there, and I would lie in front of the gas stove before you woke up. I would fold the socks that we left to dry the night before, and I would leave them by our bedroom door to put away later. I would forget and you would throw them in the hamper.

 

We would ice skate. I wouldn’t know how, but you would hold my hand and teach me how to go backward. I would tell you I’m a fast learner, even after I fell. I would buy you hiking books and you would replace the laces with red ribbon. I would wear them until they were broken in.

 

If I came to you, I would trade a career for a job. My button downs would smell like mothballs and you would sew patches in my jeans. You would rub my feet while I read your stories.

 

We would stop talking on the phone. I would ask you to pick up raspberries at the store and you would forget. Our conversation would wither and our silences would grow. We would spend our time together in front of the television.

 

We would have sex less, but you would taste just as sweet. I would become lazy and forget to shave and you would have to bury deep to reach me. Our bed would smell like your sweat when you forgot to shower. I would find your hair in my underwear and you would find mine in your cereal.

 

If I came to you, I would lose power. I would change my name and I would wait for you to come home from events I wasn’t invited to. “Honey, I’m home!” you would joke, until the laughter died in both of our throats.

 

You would go to more readings. You would plan your own for when I had to work. In the middle of the night you would switch from our bed to the couch and you would blame it on your back.

 

When the season ended I would leave. I would pretend it was my choice and I would go back to Scarsdale and sleep in my childhood bed. My mother would pretend to understand until one morning when she would ask if this phase was over. She would set me up with her synagogue friend's son, and I would go.

 

But I would still come to you, if you wanted me.