The Petty Shop

by John A. Griffin

 

          Welcome to our Petty Shop.

We sell grievances and grudges galore.

We've got knock-down prices on spite

and chagrin has hit the floor.

Envy's always on sale and bitterness

is half-off no matter what your business.

Last week we did a blow-out on revenge

and customers went on a spending binge.

This week we're doing a special on pride,

so don't be greedy, folks, don't be snide,

30% off while supplies last —

Take it easy there, not so fast.

Step into The Petty Shop, grab yourself

a grab-bag, check out our bargain base-ment,

and see what you can save on iniquity,

compare our prices on human frailty,

we beat the competition on imperfection

and petty vice is our special confection.

Every day's a deal-day at The Petty Shop.

It's a buyer's market. Can you hack it?

Hell, no, that is no mean pitch or racket!

Our policy is your displeasure: Non Caveat Emptor.

Sure, bring along the wife, we wouldn't dare exempt her.

No haggling necessary at any time.

It's not like buying here’s a crime.

Our shelves are always stocked and full,

they even replenish themselves, and that's no bull.

So, come on down and shop till you drop.

We're open 24/7, we're the one-stop shop —

(Was that a little bit over-the-top?)

Look't, you spend it, then we'll vend it,

we'll even leave the place unattended —

we trust you that much, we know you'll pay your due,

the petty always do, and always right on cue.